I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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