He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
