My Higher Power is John Stamos
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
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