are you so shy because you have an std?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
