I puked a lego.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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