shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
