maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
