I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
