my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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