Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
