her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
