I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
