my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize