During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize