Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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