everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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