pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
