i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
