Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
