I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
