had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
