Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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