Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
