there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
