No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
