No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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