Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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