This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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