Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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