the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
