Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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