You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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