It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
