when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
