A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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