I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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