My liver just broke up with me...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
