I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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