thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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