I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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