The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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