there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize