I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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