i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
