My cat gives me a boner
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
