Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
