Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
