If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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