Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
