I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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