i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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