She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
