I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
