Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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