I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
