On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
