My Higher Power is John Stamos
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
