Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
