Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
The uberlube is also flammable
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
