ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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