Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
