I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My pussy is not your playground.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
