we have officially lost it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
