I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
