Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize