i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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